denial and disbelief are all i feel
an entire year of my life
has slipped past me
faster than streaming multimedia
on a broadband connection
faster than fast-forward on my vcr
all the great and terrible moments
blurred to dull the impact
no time to feel the pain
or the joy i know was there

did i not write the parade
and capture it in still shots
that color the walls around me
words of passion and perception
of rainbows and remorse
flowing around the faces
of children who still bless
and haunt me

there seemed to be no time
for learning lessons
who am i and what have you done
with who i thought i was
yesterday
yesteryear

around me are the realities of love
beautiful and brittle
like ceramic vases
some intact on the shelf
some in pieces on the floor
demanding to be restored
i sweep them quietly aside
surprised at the absence of anger
over promises lost
springtimes that will not blossom

i hear my heart humming
melodies of hope
courage
and compassion
know again the peace
of belief in self and others
determined that this christmas
if never again
i will give the best i am
to those i treasure most