Febuary 2015
I love to laugh and make other people laugh. When my kids were little I made up silly stories for them — and then turned them into songs. Now I write poetry and short stories, all humorous. I've created a Zombie advice columnist, Hideous Hilda, who counsels needy zombies. I’ve also created a character called Anxietyman who always 'saves the day' even though he’s a neurotic nervous wreck. (Yes. I based him on me...) My poems and stories have been published online and in print.
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Traditional Poem Faces Free Verse
“Free verse you’ve mangled my meter — No doubt you’ll disrupt my pace — Mine is the mind of a reader Appalled without verses in place. Free verse you’ve ruined my rhymes — I’m a poem! What did you do? The words that were last in my lines Sound nothing alike — thanks to you!” |
Free Verse Faces Traditional Poem
“Poem you’ve marched with your meter Into my free flowing style — Mine is the mind of a reader Appalled by this nursery rhyme pile. Poem, your rhymes I oppose — I’m a free verse! What did you do? The words at the end of my prose Rhyme perfectly — thanks to you!” |
— HIDEOUS HILDA'S ZOMBIE ADVICE —
You only die once...
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DEAR HIDEOUS HILDA: I’m a recently reanimated
male carcass with a really annoying problem. My doorbell has rung on three separate occasions this past week. Each time I heard it I gauntly gawked through the peephole in the door -- only to see the same persistent peddler standing on my doorstep. I couldn’t believe my eerie eyes when I noticed that his briefcase had ‘Affordable Life Insurance’ printed on it in large bold type. I remember moaning to myself, ‘Yeah right! like that’s something I’m really going to need.’ Well anyway, I’m getting tired of his ringing my doorbell all the time. What should I do if this determoaned salesman comes to my door again? --IRRITATED UNDEAD DEAR IRRITATED: It is apparent to me that you are undergroaning a common adjustment problem faced by many zeophyte zombies. You are taking too long a time to get used to your new death. And I imagine that by now you are ravenously hungry. How many more times are you going to pass up the chance to have a free home-delivered meal? The next time that delectable doorbell-ringer comes to visit, open the door and have yourself some frightful fun. After he goes on with his spiel about how wonderful and affordable his life insurance is, you can politely ask him if he has a policy on himself. When he says something like, ‘well of course I do!’ -- I suggest that you morbidly moan, ‘Excuse me sir but are you sure that the face value on your life insurance policy is adequate?’ More than likely he’ll respond with a defensive, ‘I consider it to be more than adequate if you really must know.’ That’s when you repulsively reply, ‘Good! because your beneficiary is about to become very rich.’ Need I say more... With dire indamnity, Hideous Hilda |
©2015 Brian Horsethief