September 2014
How did I get a name like Horsethief? My last name is really 'Dziokonski.' It’s pronounced Ja-coin-ski. The middle syllable (coin) means 'horse' in Polish. My brother used to tell me that our family name meant 'horse thief.' Then a man very dear to me (who also happens to be the creator of Verse-Virtual) suggested that I use 'Horsethief' as my pen name. I’ve been 'Brian Horsethief' ever since.
I love to create! It’s my passion. It seems like I went from drawing dinosaurs to playing the guitar in a flash. Suddenly, I was writing songs. I began converting the stories that I made up for my kids into songs. Three of my children’s songs were recognized in various contests. I also received three Honorable Mentions from the International Billboard Songwriting Contest.
Making my kids laugh seems to have spilled over into my poetry and short stories these days. I’ve created a Zombie advice columnist named Hideous Hilda who counsels needy zombies. I’ve also created a character called Anxietyman who always seems to save the day even though he’s a nervous wreck. (Anxietyman was easy to come up with. I just based him on my own quirkiness and spiced it up a bit.) The bottom line is this: if creating is my passion then humor is its fuel. What can I say? I love to laugh! I love making people laugh.
I love to create! It’s my passion. It seems like I went from drawing dinosaurs to playing the guitar in a flash. Suddenly, I was writing songs. I began converting the stories that I made up for my kids into songs. Three of my children’s songs were recognized in various contests. I also received three Honorable Mentions from the International Billboard Songwriting Contest.
Making my kids laugh seems to have spilled over into my poetry and short stories these days. I’ve created a Zombie advice columnist named Hideous Hilda who counsels needy zombies. I’ve also created a character called Anxietyman who always seems to save the day even though he’s a nervous wreck. (Anxietyman was easy to come up with. I just based him on my own quirkiness and spiced it up a bit.) The bottom line is this: if creating is my passion then humor is its fuel. What can I say? I love to laugh! I love making people laugh.
©2014 Brandon Dziokonski
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DEAR HIDEOUS HILDA: I’m a hungry zombie who lives in the Amazon jungle. While crossing
the river in search of more aborigines to eat, my canoe capsized into a school of frenzied piranha. Just as I was watching my death flash before my eyes, all of the piranha began to swim away from me. I was wondering if you might have an eerie explanation for this rather bizarre event.
--LUCKY TO BE DEAD
DEAR LUCKY: It is very fortunate indeed that you encountered such picky piranha. Apparently, they prefer live food.
Cemetarily yours,
Hideous Hilda
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DEAR HIDEOUS HILDA: This is Captain Cadaverous. I’m a zombie astronaut and at this very moanment I am emailing you from outer space. Even though space travel tends to speed up the putrefaction process in the undead, I diecided to volunteer for this mortifying mission. My assignment is to find out once and for all if there’s death on Mars by sending a probe to its
mysterious red surface. Although that is a formidable task in and of itself, at this moanment I am more concerned with an emergency situation which has recently arisen. My spacecraft is spiraling out-of-control. After several hours of unsuccessful attempts to restore power to the spacecraft, I received the following diesturbing radio transmission from the Zombie Space Control Center (ZSCC): 'Captain Cadaverous we are sorry to inform you that your orbit is rapidly decaying.
Over.’ I never did respond, however, since I was too traumadiesed by the nauseating news. Hideous Hilda, before I become Martian mush, I need your alienating advice. How should I respond to the ZSCC if they transmit that morbid message to me again?
--MOANING ABOVE MARS
DEAR MOANING: If you receive another radio transmission from the ZSCC moaning, ‘Captain
Cadaverous we regret to inform you that your orbit is rapidly decaying.’ Your rotten response
should emphatically be: ‘SO AM I!’
Happy landing! (Sorry, my bad.)
Hideous Hilda
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DEAR HIDEOUS HILDA: I’m a lone zombie who’s observed hordes of my own kind devouring just
about everyone in the poor section of my city. As a result, I’ve stumbled upon some very affluent
neighborhoods in my relentless pursuit for human flesh. Ever since I’ve been eating the people who live there, however, my stomach has been quite upset with frequent gas and bloating. What do you suppose could be causing my discomfort?
--DEAD DIGESTION
DEAR DIGESTION: The reason for your upset stomach is obvious. Any zombie dietician will tell
you that feasting on too many rich people can really do a number on your tummy. On your next
relentless pursuit for human flesh, I suggest you head for the middle class zuburbs.
Ghoulishly yours,
Hideous Hilda
©2014 Brian Horsethief